salut~ first post of the year! i guess it really is a twice-yearly kinda relationship between me and you huh? so, half a year into 2017. i have definitely achieved more money, much more than any of my friends would. am i happier? i have to be in delusion to say yes. we spend our lives chasing for happiness. and for most people, happiness would equate to... money. i've always believed in the whole "先苦后甜" (it basically means going through bitterness before you get a taste of sweetness) idea, which explains why i have been pushing myself to make more money. that's because we want to have the money to pursue happiness (holidays, good food, shopping etc). but while we're at it, we'll tend to gradually lose faith in whatever that we're pursuing due to many factors (exhaustion, losing social life, sick of routine, or most of the time.... futile efforts). i often contemplate life. i start to question the purpose of our existence. we spend our youths to chase our dreams... unhappily. i make $6k a month by doing something that doesn't seem deserving of $6k to me. i may try to get to work positively, but i will definitely leave with a migraine so bad it lasts for the rest of the day. sometimes i burst out into tears in the middle of the day, but some days i cheer myself on. i've developed a really bad temper thanks to work. sometimes i feel that i'm so hateful i want to slap myself in the face for whatever i'd said. is this the me that i want to become? is this the youth that i want? will i be happy after i've saved my first million? will i be too old to seek happiness then? look at the contrast between this post and my URL. il dolce far niente. it basically means being happy while doing nothing. i am so far from that.

hellooo.

didn't know translating feeling into words can be this difficult, guess that explains how i can update like just once-twice a year. i love reading and i would love to write, but my thoughts somehow gets disjointed eventually and it'll end up looking like a subject that has... escaped through the net?

anyhows, my social media might not display any signs of happiness between me and N but we truly are. many people are doing it like people should know about their happiness. like "hey look at us being sweet" but i wonder if they ever look back at their posts and feel bad about it when their lives start to be peppered with arguments.. i'm not saying it's wrong to do so, but i feel that many do it without thinking about the consequences. the image that we portray, would be what people's gon talk about. and when that comes back to you (because it always does) all you're gon feel is string of emotions. people tend to paint a picture they want to tell, which might not necessarily (most of the time actually) be what it truly is. i think.. true love lacks articulacy. i doubt you will ever be able to find the right words to articulate your true feelings. and if you do manage to, it must be deeply flawed because all that trying was so focused on making it sound great. true intimacy between couples need not be shared. if there was a need to, then a part of you is posting those pictures/words for the sake of the public's eye.

i've never really been able to voice that out to any of my friends who happen to fall into that category.  maybe i should let 2017 be the year for me to aerate my lies to atone for my superficiality that has been contained for a long time. and maybe that's the year where i'd lose all my friends because of my bluntness o.o

i've learnt that there are many ways to describe happiness. ecstatic, elated, blithe, buoyant.... but i will still choose to say, i am simply happy. there's no need to complicate happiness. it is as simple as it can get. although i may not have reached any of my goals in life (yet), but i know i have found happiness. superficiality aside. money may bring me happiness, but those are strings of temporary happiness. i have found a constant, something that can bring me immense joy without even needing a single cent. and that is love. as cliche as it sounds... it's love. even though there are unavoidable fights, i am still happy we get to fight with each other. at least i know the one im fighting with, is you. i have my family i want to protect and friends that i love.  im not sure i can think of anything else that can bring a person such joy.

im not good with words. i guess i typed out  all of that just in any case you chance upon this... i would want you to know that i am truly happy now, without a doubt. i am sorry my happiness might have costed yours. i am sorry i left you with no options to choose from. when the sun has set, no candle can replace the light that it gives. what is lost is lost. and god will only bring you nothing but set a better path for you. look forward and you will realise all the while, it's you who've been pulling yourself back. let it go, and you will see the light again. life may not have been good to you, but it will if you let it. believe it or not, we hold our own destiny in our hands. god can only lead us to it but we will have to do the rest of the work :)) 

with love, ys